


Hamlet Says No

by wearerofthehat



Category: Hamlet - Shakespeare
Genre: Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-26
Updated: 2014-05-26
Packaged: 2018-01-26 14:50:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1692260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wearerofthehat/pseuds/wearerofthehat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I have actually always wondered why Hamlet didn't turn around and give the ghost of his father the cold shoulder, or failing that, why he never even considered it. My thoughts naturally turned into a 'what if' scenario and I ran with it. Beware, this is absolute and unadulterated crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hamlet Says No

Hamlet Senior’s Ghost

I am thy father's spirit,

Doom'd for a certain term to walk the night,

And for the day confined to fast in fires,

Till the foul crimes done in my days of nature

Are burnt and purged away….

…

List, list, O, list! If thou didst ever thy dear father love—

…

Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder

…

Adieu, adieu! Hamlet, remember me.

_Prepares to disappear_

HAMLET

Wait! Dad! Hold on a bit, would you?

_Hamlet Sr’s Ghost stops disappearing_

See, there’s something we should clarify.

I really miss you Dad, truly I do,

And I am sorry you were murdered,

But you seem a little behind the times.

Revenge was the fashion in Amleth’s day,

But in case you hadn’t noticed,

We’re in the seventeenth century now

And Christianity runs the show.

God tells us to leave vengeance unto him

So while I see that Claudius ought be punished

I’ll have absolutely no part in the punishing.

What good would it really do anyway?

Mum’s always said 'Two wrongs don’t make a right.’

Do you really believe that your sins would

Be repaid through Claudius’ murder?

It’s more likely you would stay right were you are,

(You are already damned, after all)

While I’d join you there in purgatory

(or perhaps I’d go even further down)

Because murder’s a mortal sin you know,

Irrespective of who, what, why or when.

Honestly Dad, I’m really a little hurt

That you failed to think on this before,

That you would put your own petty grudge

Before the future of my immortal soul.

Why do you ask me to damn myself for you?

For some reason I thought you knew

That it was the father’s duty to sacrifice himself for his son

And not the other way around.

So in case you drifted off a little there

As I did in _your_ long winded speech,

I’ll reiterate just for you.

I absolutely refuse to do as you asked

I even deny your right to ask it of me

Because I just don’t believe that

You have my best interests at heart.

While I’m at it, I may as well make it clear,

That haunting me will not sway me,

Hauntings only haunt the guilty

And I’m perfectly justified in what I say.

But having said all that, drop by anyway,

We might have a drink sometime.

Perhaps, if we play our cards right,

I might see you more when you are dead

Than I ever did when you were alive.

So I’ll be off now. I’m gonna skip off to university,

And I hope you enjoy the rest of purgatory.

_Exit Hamlet_

**Author's Note:**

> Clearly Hamlet Sr's dialogue (or what's left of it) is all Shakespeare, so I don't own that. And I guess while I am at it I should also state that I do not own Hamlet Sr or Hamlet either.


End file.
